


Warmth

by RoaringRaina



Series: Mankai Mental Health Company [1]
Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Kazu struggles with 3am negative thoughts but luckily Sumi is there for him, M/M, No Spoilers, Romantic Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:21:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25919509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoaringRaina/pseuds/RoaringRaina
Summary: It wasn’t until he joined the Mankai Company, Kazunari learned it was okay to let the facade slide. Learned it was okay to lean one way more than the other. To have a voice of his own. One that didn’t just speak in slang or hyperbole. One that didn’t betray him or his feelings. Kazunari loves the Mankai Company for all of this, and yet. And yet, some days it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. He still falters, he gets sucked back into the imaginary lines he’s drawn. His personality flattens out, his energy is diminished.It scares him.
Relationships: Ikaruga Misumi/Miyoshi Kazunari
Series: Mankai Mental Health Company [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1891930
Comments: 24
Kudos: 140





	Warmth

Life wasn’t fair. It was hard, with many twists and turns and it tired Miyoshi Kazunari out more than he would admit.   
  
He felt like he was obligated to smile, whether he wanted to or not. Whether he felt happy or not. People loved him for his energy, for his _vibes_. The vibes he so carefully constructed, the energy he felt drained off at the end of the day.   
  
At the end of the day when he locks his phone and puts it on his nightstand, he feels like he can breathe for the first time.   
  
Kazunari had been an actor long before he joined the Mankai Company. He had learned to find the middle ground, even if he had an opinion. He learned to smile and nod, even if his heart wanted him to do something different. He was convincing, so convincing no one realised he held different emotions besides happy. That he wasn’t all sunshines and bright energy all day every day. That he had thoughts and opinions of his own. That sometimes the numbers on his Instablam post didn’t matter as much as the mean comments people left, thinking he would never read them.   
  
It wasn’t until he joined the Mankai Company, Kazunari learned it was okay to let the facade slide. Learned it was okay to lean one way more than the other. To have a voice of his own. One that didn’t just speak in slang or hyperbole. One that didn’t betray him or his feelings.   
  
Kazunari loves the Mankai Company for teaching him that. He loves the Summer Troupe for accepting him, for giving him the room to grow and bloom. To provide him with sunlight when the energy to generate his own leaves him. When he feels trapped in the lines he had drawn himself, once hopeful they’d guide him and make him feel safe instead.  
  
Kazunari loves the Mankai Company for all of this, and yet. And yet, some days it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. He still falters, he gets sucked back into the imaginary lines he’s drawn. His personality flattens out, his energy is diminished.   
  
It scares him.   
  
It scares him how easy it is to slip back into forcing the sun to shine when he’s tormented by rain clouds. To ignore the thunder and the lightning. To push on through and at least pretend the sun is shining long enough to make it through the day without questions. To keep the sun shining until he can hear Muku’s soft murmurs, sound asleep, oblivious to his roommate’s internal strife.  
  
It makes Kazunari feel guilty like nothing ever has before.   
  
Before joining the Mankai Company, Kazunari didn’t have to worry about this guilt. He knew there weren’t people who cared enough about him to notice the difference anyway. To see Genuine Sunshine Kazunari and Rain Clouds Kazunari and realise only one of them radiated warmth.   
  
But now, he has people that will put a hand on his shoulder and ask him if he needs a break. He has people that will prepare his favourite food, recommend him a movie or an anime to cheer him up. People that will take him to his favourite place or cosy up the living room if he isn’t in the mood to leave the dorm. People that will sing their karaoke songs horribly off tone and allow him to laugh to his heart’s content.  
  
How dare his heart feel this cold when he’s surrounded by so much warmth?  
  
Where does he get the nerve to feel hollow when everyone tries their best to fill him up?  
  
How _dare_ he?  
  
Kazunari shakes his head, his mind too far down the rabbit hole to pretend he’ll sleep tonight. He’ll just mask his eyebags tomorrow morning with some make-up. Nobody will notice, will they? He slides into slippers quietly, careful not to wake Muku up.   
  
Kazunari is fond of Muku, he’s sweet, kind and a bit clumsy. He’s earnest, honest and genuine. Kazunari feels his face flatten, he wishes he could say the same of himself.   
  
A tight feeling forms in his chest and he tries to physically rub it away. But to no avail, it persists and it _hurts._ He’s gotten used to this weight in his chest, his heart beating heavy in his ears. He escapes his room soundlessly, hoping to leave his doubts and insecurities in his warm bed.  
  
He is greeted by the cold, winter air and an involuntary shiver wrecks him apart.   
  
Kazunari curses under his breath, having forgotten to wear something warm. He wiggles his toes, and breathes warm air onto his hands. He steps into the courtyard, his warmed hands rubbing up and down his cold, exposed arms, hoping to combat the rapidly appearing goosebumps. It’s a losing battle, but he still tries relentlessly.  
  
This was his new routine.   
  
Kazunari would try to sleep and end up being held hostage in his bed by concerns, worries and insecurities. One thought darker than the next and he would escape them by coming out here. He’s made a small home for himself next to Tsumugi’s flowerbeds. He’s never helped with tending to them before, scared to ruin Tsumugi’s hard work and even more scared of giving up his hiding place. Of having to explain why he loves them so much.  
  
It’s next to Tsumugi’s flowers, having grown and bloomed from his hard work and love, Kazunari finds peace. He sits down between two planters, hidden from sight and stares up at the cloudy night sky. He takes a deep breath, calmed down by the scent of lavender.   
  
He forgets to mind the cold as he watches the clouds drift by. The moon shines between the clouds occasionally, peeking through as if to see he’s here again.   
  
Kazunari suppresses a chuckle, as if the moon truly cared he would be there. He shakes his head as he brings a hand up to trace lines between the stars whenever the clouds drift apart enough so he can see them clearly.   
  
He draws a circle first, a clumsy one with sharp edges. Almost pathetic for an art student, he thinks bitterly. He tries a square next. Then he can feel his face light up as he traces a triangle, instantly reminded of his best friend.   
  
The thought of Misumi brings warmth to him, a not so subtle message that Kazunari ignores just like most of his DMs these days. He knows there’s a lot to unpack there, but he also likes where they are. Kazunari envies Misumi in a sense, in the way he lives his life so freely and honestly. Misumi embodies what Kazunari would want for himself. To be proud of what he loves, to live life according to the beat of his own drum.  
  
Kazunari loves getting swept up in Misumi’s energy. To him, it feels like being wrapped up in a blanket and then being tossed to the wind. They don’t have to be doing anything together, but Kazunari feels free. No facade, no mask, no hidden feelings. It’s like he’s floating and the lack of control doesn’t worry him.  
  
Instantly, he hears that voice in his head. The one that sounds too much like his own voice, it frightens him. It reminds him of all this warmth, this sense of freedom and yet he dares to feel cold. He dares to feel hollow, empty.   
  
Kazunari pulls his legs up and buries his face against them. The goosebumps on his arms are starting to hurt but Kazunari doesn’t want to go back to bed. That’s where more darkness awaits him. He doesn’t want to go back. No, he can’t go back, he’s tired of fighting the demon in his head that speaks with his voice. He doesn’t want to fight the emptiness, the worry, the shame anymore.  
  
Hot tears form in his eyes as his shoulders tremble. Why does he feel this empty? Why does everything hurt? He feels so happy most of the time, doesn’t he? Was that a lie too? Was he destined to simply exist and pull on his facade like it was a circus trick?   
  
No, that can’t be right. Please don’t let that be right.   
  
The people here accept him. He’s loved here. He won’t be alone anymore. He’s.. loved.. here..  
  
_But what if you’re not.  
  
_Kazunari hugs his legs tightly, tears burning hot against his cheeks. He digs his nails into the fabric of his pyjama pants, overcome by the worries and insecurities that just won’t leave him alone, no matter how certain he is they’re false.  
  
“Kazu?”  
  
Kazunari freezes. He knows this voice. He knows it too well. He knows by the way his heart feels lighter already.  
  
Panic wraps around his limbs as he forces the tears to stop. If there is anyone he doesn’t want to see this side of him, it’s the owner of his favourite voice.  
  
  
“Kazu?” the voice calls him again, more worry slipping into his voice and Kazunari feels terrible. He’s burdening him with all this worry simply because he isn’t strong enough to pull himself together. How dare he?  
  
“Kazu?” a warm hand rests on his shoulder and Kazunari can’t help the shiver that flows from it. Warmth spreads as the hand travels down his arm, rubbing the goosebumps away. “You’re so cold, Kazu! Let’s go inside!”  
  
Kazunari allows Misumi to pull him up to his feet, eyes locked to the ground. Kazunari feels relief flood his system. This was so nice about Misumi, he wouldn’t ask questions Kazunari wasn’t ready to answer. Instead he wraps his warm hand around his cold one. Kazunari imagines a brighter scenario where they hold hands all the time. Their fingers locked together, with warmth pooling between their palms.   
  
Misumi holds him tightly, pulling him along as he skips to the living room. Kazunari welcomes the warmth, finally allowing his body to truly feel how cold it was outside.   
  
Misumi turns to Kazunari, holds his gaze for a few seconds and then promptly turns to the kitchen. He leaves Kazunari by the door, who watches dumbfoundedly.  
  
No matter how much time he spends with Misumi, he can’t always follow his train of thought. The feelings of hypothermia that are catching up to him aren’t helping him understand Misumi any better either. Kazunari wiggles his toes, excited to feel the blood flow back to them. His fingers are burning against his thighs, the slightly bluish tint in his nails turning back to a soft natural pink.   
  
Once his body feels like his own again, Kazunari ventures to the kitchen. He hears Misumi hum a song, but something about it feels off. It’s rushed and uneven. Hasty, in a way he isn’t used to from Misumi. It’s uncharacteristic of him and it worries Kazunari slightly.   
  
“What are you doing?” Kazunari asks, watching as Misumi pulls out two mugs from the cupboard and recognises its one of Misumi’s own mugs. It has a triangular handle with even more triangles adorning the sides. Kazunari wonders if there are items in this world that scream more “Sumi” than that mug. The other mug Misumi pulls out is one Kazunari decorated. It was a birthday gift from Kazunari to Misumi. The triangles that run across the mug were all coloured according to the Mankai members, a detail Kazunari hadn’t told anyone. Misumi was sure to notice though, Kazunari had mused at the time, awed by the admiration Misumi’s eyes had held when he unpacked his gift. The smile Misumi had sent his way still burst through the darkness at occasion, filling Kazunari’s heart with light, warmth and a four letter word.  
  
It was still the mug Misumi used the most to this day and Kazunari couldn’t help wonder why when the most Sumi Mug was right _there_. Izumi had only tutted at him when he had unconsciously slipped that out and Omi had given him a reassuring pat on his back. Kazunari wondered what they knew, or what they thought they knew.  
  
“I’m heating up some milk,” Misumi answers Kazunari’s question. His voice is serious, reflecting the furrow of his brows. “Izumi-san always heats up milk when I’m feeling down too.”  
  
“Ah, she does?” Kazunari asks, leaning against the countertop. He rests his head on the palm of his hand as he watches Misumi work his magic. He pours some milk into a pan and carefully turns on the stove. His body is tense as he watches for the first bubbles to appear.   
  
They stand in silence as they wait for the milk to boil. Misumi isn’t humming anymore and Kazunari is scared to break the silence. He likes it, being in the same room as Misumi. They don’t have to be saying anything either. Just his presence is nice. Comforting.  
  
Who knew something so domestic could feel so calming.  
  
“You’ve been out in the garden a lot,” Misumi starts conversationally. He pours the heated milk into the mugs and after a moment’s hesitation shoves his birthday mug at Kazunari.   
  
Kazunari takes the mug gratefully, using the time to take his first sip to think about his answer. How does he explain the fact he feels like the walls are closing in on him and his fake personality? How does he explain that he feels like he’s been lying to everyone in the Mankai Company? How does he explain that gaping hole in his heart whenever he thinks about trying to be the person he wants to be but how _hard_ it is to not fear the rejection that may follow? How does he explain that all?  
  
Kazunari doesn’t realise he’s hyperventilating until Misumi puts both of his hands around his face. His hands are warm and burn against his cheeks. Kazunari sniffles, and when he feels Misumi’s thumbs brush something wet off his cheeks, he realises he’s crying.   
  
“Kazu, you’re my precious friend.” Misumi states it like it’s a well known fact. Kazunari supposes it is, Misumi is his best friend. A true close friend. “If there is something bothering you, you can tell me. I will give you my favourite triangle to cheer you up.”  
  
Kazunari sniffles but can’t help the smile that forms. “That’s very like you Sumi, thank you.” He tries to wink but Misumi’s worried expression stops him. Maybe it’s only fair he shows his true self, whoever that may be, when Misumi is this serious himself.   
  
“Kazu.” Misumi’s voice sounds sad. He pouts a little as he turns his head. He hasn’t touched his mug at all, only having paid attention to Kazunari. It makes him feel warm inside. It makes the guilt weigh heavier on his heart too.   
  
Kazunari feels the tears form again and this time allows himself this moment of vulnerability. “I’m worried,” he chokes out. “I’m worried I’ll end up alone again. I’m worried I’m not being my real self.”   
  
Misumi wraps his arms around Kazunari’s shaking frame tightly, pulling him into a hug. Misumi rubs small circles on his back, his hands leaving a trail of warmth in their wake. Kazunari closes his eyes in the embrace. He trembles slightly, but Misumi just holds him more tightly.   
  
That was just Misumi’s power. The power to feel what Kazunari needs before he even notices himself. Misumi starts to sway them gently, rocking them softly, which makes Kazunari feel treasured.   
  
Maybe he can open up? Maybe he can allow Misumi to see this side of him after all?  
  
“What if I don’t know who my real self even is?” Kazunari mumbles into Misumi’s shoulder. His voice is softer than he likes, no one told him opening up would be this hard. His arms come up to hug Misumi back shakily. “How can I face everyone when I feel so hollow sometimes? How can I say that when everyone is always so nice to me?”  
  
Misumi doesn’t say anything and instead pulls away from the hug. Kazunari laments the loss of warmth immediately. Misumi first shrugs off his hoodie and promptly pulls it over Kazunari’s head. Kazunari feels like a doll as Misumi carefully pulls his arms through the sleeves. Enjoys the way Misumi’s warm fingers drag across his palms before locking their fingers together.  
  
“Won’t you be cold now Sumi?” Kazunari asks, hoping Misumi won’t take his hoodie back. It smells like him, something that calms him down instantly. He feels warm, so much warmer than when he was just wearing his t-shirt.   
  
Misumi sends him a toothy grin. He wears a t-shirt covered in triangles and Kazunari instantly recognises it as a Summer Troupe gift. “Nope!” Misumi replies, slinging their joined hands between them.  
  
“Okay, if you say so.” Kazunari focuses on the pressure Misumi applies to their hands. Enjoys the way warmth collects where their palms touch.   
  
“Why were you outside?” he asks, looking down at their joined hands.   
  
“I was drawing triangles in the sky!” Misumi pulls Kazunari to the kitchen window. He lets go of Kazunari’s hand long enough to point at the sky. He joins their hands together quickly again and smiles widely. “I like sitting on the roof and watching the stars.”  
  
Kazunari nods, “Me too. I usually sit near Tsumu-Tsumu’s flower pots.” The words slip out before he even registers them. But it should be okay, Kazunari quickly reasons. It’s just Misumi, that’s fine. That’s safe. That’s okay.   
  
This time Misumi nods. “I know, I’ve seen you before!”   
  
This shakes Kazunari. He startles and Misumi immediately tightens the hold on their hands. He frowns at him, trying to gauge his reaction. Kazunari shakes his head, trying to appear calm and collected.   
  
But he can’t. He knows he’s failing badly when Misumi’s eyes widen.   
  
Panic spreads across his body like the first cold droplets of rain penetrate his skin. If Misumi knows he’s been going out to hide in the garden, he’s lost his secret hiding place. That must mean more people know, and if more people know it means his facade won’t keep up.   
  
This is not okay. How could he even think this would be remotely okay. Who was he trying to fool?  
  
The world starts to spin and Kazunari pulls his hand out of Misumi’s to clutch at his chest. The familiar throbbing has returned, hurting more than before. He crouches down, hiding his face between his knees. His breathing is ragged but there is nothing he can do about it.   
  
This wasn’t supposed to happen.  
  
This wasn’t supposed to happen!  
  
“Kazu?!” Misumi sounds shocked, but Kazunari can’t find it in him to look up at him. He keeps his face hidden between his knees, avoiding the amber eyes he loves so much.   
  
Kazunari feels Misumi’s hands on his shoulders and suddenly he feels something soft against the crown of his head. He lifts his head instantly, losing his balance and toppling over. He looks up at Misumi who looks worried.   
  
“I can’t help you if you hide from me,” he pouts, crossing his arms across his chest. He scoots down to Kazunari’s level, his eyes sparkling with something like understanding and affection.   
  
It warms Kazunari to his core.   
  
Kazunari allows Misumi to pull him up enough that he can sit comfortably. As comfortable as the kitchen floor can be. Misumi drops down himself and so they sit in silence.  
  
Kazunari starts fidgeting with Misumi’s sleeves. The silence feels deafening. It’s suffocating. Misumi seems to be waiting. Trying to figure out what Kazunari needs. Kazunari hopes Misumi can find the answer because he sure doesn’t know what he needs.   
  
“Kazu, do you love the Mankai Company?” Misumi asks, crossing his arms and legs. His brows are furrowed as he thinks about the questions.  
  
This is a question Kazunari knows the answer to. “Of course I do! I love everyone!” he replies happily. “Everyone feels like home. It’s never a dull moment!”  
  
Misumi smiles. “Do you love acting?”  
  
Another easy question. “I do! I love standing on stage with everyone! Wearing Yukki’s creations, playing out Tsuzuroon’s scripts and following Izumi-chan’s instructions!”  
  
“Does that feel forced to you?” Misumi looks serious and Kazunari takes a second to let the question register.   
  
Does it feel forced to him? Does the happiness he feels thinking about his previous answers feel forced to him? Does spending his time with his beloved Summer Troupe and the rest of Mankai feel forced?   
  
Is it fake?  
  
Sunlight breaks through the rain clouds in his heart. Kazunari shakes his head. “No, it doesn’t.”   
  
Living his life in the Mankai Company, filling every day with smiles and tears. With struggles and success. It feels wonderful. It fills him with so much joy. The good, the bad, everything in between.  
  
Misumi smiles. “I love it here too! I love spending every day having fun, acting and laughing with everyone. Acting, triangles and my friends! Those are the three things most important to me!”   
  
Kazunari pulls his legs up and rests his head on his knees. He likes watching Misumi talk about the things he loves. Misumi always looks so genuine, so honest.   
  
“I wish I was more like you Sumi,” Kazunari admits. He fidgets with his hands, fingers hooking around themselves. “I always feel like I’m hiding my true self. Like I am faking my entire personality. Especially on the days where I don’t have the energy to be happy.”  
  
“You don’t always have to be happy though.” Kazunari looks at Misumi who pouts. “You can’t always be happy. There might be things that make you sad, or that are not fun. I have things I don’t like either.”  
  
Kazunari’s eyes widen as Misumi opens up about his own insecurities, allowing him to see a side he didn’t know existed. He knows, logically, that no person is happy all the time. But hearing someone tell him that rule also counts for him is a first.  
  
“But there are many things you can do whenever you’re sad! I have my ultra special triangle to cheer me up. Or I can talk with you or watch the stars.” Misumi’s eyes sparkle but are clouded over with a little bit of sadness. “We are all here to help you. You just need to let us.”   
  
Kazunari sniffles and allows tears to flow freely as Misumi smiles apologetically. Kazunari doesn’t move as Misumi inches closer, his hands coming up to cup his face. He closes his eyes as Misumi brushes his tears away. He can feel Misumi closing in closer, his hands gently turning his head to press a soft kiss to his forehead.   
  
Kazunari opens his eyes to see Misumi blushing bashfully.   
  
There’s so much warmth and affection in the way Misumi looks at him. He’s grinning, a healthy blush on his cheeks and his eyes are sparkling with mirth. Kazunari takes a chance, and puts his hands over Misumi’s on his cheeks. He tilts his head slightly and sees understanding bloom on Misumi’s face.   
  
Misumi leans in closer, bringing their lips together for the softest of kisses. Kazunari feels heat travel from the top of his head to his toes. He’s blushing he’s sure of it but he doesn’t mind the heat. It’s comforting to be handled with so much care and love. To feel an understanding without words. To feel his affection reciprocated without having to express it.   
  
Misumi giggles when he pulls away, a boyish grin on his face. “Kazu, your lips are so soft.”   
  
Kazunari giggles too, glad for the lack of awkward tension in the air. Glad Misumi acts just like himself. Glad the little things have remained the same. Glad that there is a shift in the bigger things.   
  
Misumi leans in for another kiss and Kazunari allows himself to melt in the embrace. Allows himself a break from the negativity that torments his brain. Allows the rain clouds to retire for the night. Allows the sun to shine.   
  
“Kazu, you are my best friend.” Misumi’s voice is soft, shy, slightly quivering. “You are so precious to me.”  
  
“You too Sumi,” Kazunari smiles brightly as he twines their hands together. “You are so precious to me too. Thank you for being my best friend.”  
  
Misumi pulls them off the ground effortlessly and Kazunari is once again amazed by the physical strength Misumi hides in that body of his. They exit the kitchen, their mugs of milk forgotten on the counter. They’ll clean that up in a few hours.   
  
They walk in relative silence. Misumi is humming a song one of the other members sung earlier today. Their hands are firmly locked in together, swinging between them. Kazunari hides his face in Misumi’s hoodie, sneaking peeks at how the moonlight illuminates Misumi’s profile. Fawning over how it makes him glow. How he _shines_.   
  
“You should sleep! I’ll see you tomorrow again!” Misumi says once they’re in front of Kazunari’s room. He puts a hand on Kazunari’s shoulders when the latter tries to pull off the hoodie. “You can keep it! So the power of the triangles can protect you from bad dreams!”   
  
Kazunari laughs breathlessly at Misumi’s furrowed eyebrows and determined expression. Misumi smiles softly at that.   
  
“I like you always, but I like you best when you smile, Kazu.”   
  
Kazunari freezes mid-laugh and nods. “I like smiling most too.” He reaches over to Misumi, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Good night Sumi, thank you for everything.”  
  
Misumi nods and skips past him to his own room. He waves before heading inside and suddenly Kazunari is alone outside again.   
  
He doesn’t feel as lonely as he did earlier tonight.   
  
Kazunari opens the door gently, an unconscious smile on his face. He glances over at Muku’s side of the room, where he just hears the younger boy’s even breathing. He slips into bed, keeping Misumi’s hoodie on. He feels comforted by Misumi’s lingering scent, and it’s only in bed he brings his fingers up to his lips. Blood rushes to his face and it feels warm.  
  
“Kazu-kun, are you okay?” Muku’s voice is soft from the other side of the room, startling Kazunari.  
  
“Oh, Mukkun! I’m okay, did I wake you up?” Kazunari whispers back, sitting up on his bed.   
  
“No, not at all.” Muku’s silhouette appears to be sitting up too and Kazunari sighs in relief. “Did things change tonight?”  
  
Kazunari thinks tonight over. Thinks about stars, flowers and sunlight. Giggles and kisses.   
  
Triangles.  
  
“Yeah, they did. For the better.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so so very much for reading this fic. It means a lot to me.  
> This fic is very close to my heart. MisuKazu is a ship that means a lot to me and I just hope I did their dynamic justice. 
> 
> I hope you're having a good day and are staying safe ♥


End file.
